Wednesday, February 17, 2010
My Dear Loved Ones,
My heart is pounding, and even now, after crying for more than three hours, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes once again, at the thought of leaving you. No one, besides God, my doctor and me, knows what’s going on. O God, I’m so scared. Be near me, O God, be not far from me. Arise, O Lord, and show Yourself strong on my behalf!
Anyway, you don’t know yet, that I’m dying. Even now, as I write and then read what I’ve written, I’m finding it hard to believe that it’s true. I went to the doctor today to get my test results. I know I haven’t felt well lately, but I was totally unprepared for what the doctor told me… cancer… a few weeks to a few months… O Lord, is this really true?
I was stunned when she told me. I’m still stunned — and scared. You know how I love the Lord, but I can’t deny it, my faith is shaken. What if I’ve lost my salvation? Or worse yet, what if I was never saved and He never knew me? O Lord, this one thing I ask of You, the thing I seek most, is to live in Your house all the days of my life, delighting in Your perfections and meditating in Your Temple.
A few weeks to a few months — that isn’t long. There’s so much I want to share with you, and yet I don’t know what it is that I want to share with you. That’s why I decided to write these letters to you. I love you all so much — I don’t know how I’m going to tell you.
Caroline and Becky, please be there for your daddy. He’s going to need you and his grandchildren desperately when I’m gone. I know it will be hard for you when I pass, but I praise God that you both have good and godly husbands and children who will be there to comfort you. And Dan, don’t shut yourself away from everyone. Go out, visit our children and our friends. Let them comfort you…
Oh my goodness. Dan, it’s almost time for you to get home from work, and I have to tell you before we share it with the girls. Lord, how do I tell him? Please help me, Father. In my weakness, Lord, please show Yourself strong.